I became a soap, candy (not shown)-, and card-making machine in preparation for Christmas.

<3

Zzz

Nikhil recently launched a new website for my mom's hand therapy clinic in celebration of the clinic's 10th year of business.  My mom, Lindy Loya, has been a Certified Hand Therapist for over 15 years and has been a hand therapist for more than 20.  She serves the San Gabriel Valley and patients from all over the Los Angeles area.  She's amazing at what she does - I've seen her in action many times, as I spent a few summers working in her clinic. I've seen her do miraculous work with patients, helping them recover from many terrible injuries. Check out the new website here: www.loyahandcenter.com

8 years ago today, we adopted Zoe from Pets in Need. This is a picture Sammy took of her adoption day. Zoe had a rough life before PIN rescued her, and she's made so many lives better ever since! 

I just finished checking the transcript for an interview I did with a teen counselor.  It became so clear after this interview, in light of the several that I’ve coded this week, that boys/men as a group (not all boys/men - I'm talking about masculine culture here) simply do not understand the harm of sexual violence.  It seems to me that there is a deep, pervasive idea that forced sex is something that’s a little bad to do, but something that women/girls/certain men literally deserve if they’re in certain “compromising” positions.  And most importantly, it’s something that victims just get over: if it’s not a big deal to the perpetrator, why should it be a big deal to the victim? It’s so normal in this worldview that it’s just not that bad a thing to do.  This helps explain the fixation so many teen boys in my public education work have on the legal definitions of rape, because it essentially becomes an issue of “Will I get caught?  Will I be punished?”  If not, they seem to see few reasons not to go ahead.  The teen counselor put it in very clear terms when she quoted a high school boy telling her that seeing a drunk girl passed out is like finding the keys in the door of the liquor store – why wouldn’t you take advantage of that?  That reasoning makes it starkly clear that there is NO understanding about the profound harm that rape causes to victims.  And in fact, no understanding that this “taking advantage” does in fact constitute rape, which, in a just world, deserves punishment.  So it seems that for those who are not sociopaths, which is probably most potential perpetrators (they’re just boys who grew up drinking in this Kool-Aid), the answer is to teach them about how harmful/devastating/long-lasting rape can be to survivors. 

How can we teach that effectively?  How can we demonstrate that to boys/men in all age groups and all levels of society?  I know I’m just reiterating this very known phenomenon here, but I’ve never seen it so clearly before.  I even saw an inkling of it in myself the other day when I heard a story of a survivor who pressed charges after more than 20 years, when one of her attackers sent her an apology letter.  As I was retelling this story, I had this momentary feeling of “so much time has passed, he has apologized, and so he shouldn’t be held accountable.”  It alarmed me to see that within me.  It’s essentially the view of a rape apologist and not what I truly believe.  But it’s consistent with this perpetual message from society that “rape isn’t that bad,” it’s something that “normal” guys do because they’re simply taking advantage of an “opportunity” that’s presented to them.  These beliefs are abhorrent to me, and yet one raised itself into my consciousness just this week.  I think this is the same part that lives in survivors and tells us to silence ourselves, not to “make a big deal,” not to “ruin his life.” Be silent.  Be ashamed.  Blame yourself.  This belief reflects this fundamental misunderstanding about the nature of this crime, a fundamental way in which this violence and the surrounding beliefs are functions of patriarchy, constantly normalizing this type of victimization.  It brings me great sadness.  I have tears in my eyes as I write this because it is so deep in our culture that it’s hard to see a way out. 

So many of the men in power are likely to believe these same, rape-supportive ideas.  They’re likely to sympathize with the perpetrator, not the victim.  They’re likely to see themselves in him because his actions seem rational, in much the same way that Tom Shapiro describes white families’ self-segregation as rational, rather than driven by prejudice.  The perpetrator is “taking advantage of an opportunity,” for which he is not likely to face any consequences, so why not? 

How do you undo that? How do you convince them of the harm of their own actions and beliefs?  How do you convince them that survivors’ suffering after rape is real, that it’s not “female hysteria,” is not “gold-digging,” is not all the ugly names society likes to call it?  I don’t know. 

 

I take great pride in being a grammar nerd, and it's all thanks to my 7th and 8th grade teacher, Mrs. Nancy Balance.  She taught us diagramming and parsing, along with writing and fascinating history. I saved all my grammar and diagramming notes from Mrs. Balance's classes, and I've used them for the occasional tutoring over the years.  I think that says a LOT about Mrs. Balance as a teacher, so wherever she is, I hope she knows what a wonderful teacher she is. This past semester, I've been drawing on my diagramming and grammar knowledge to tutor a really great kid in the mysteries of diagramming, grammar, and writing.  It's been a blast.  This is the diagram I made for my student's birthday, which I think is dorkily cool! 

To celebrate Nikhil's birthday, Jude & I took him ziplining at Berkshire East Canopy Tours.  We did the Valley Jump tour, which includes 6 zips, ranging from 700 feet to half a mile.  The last two (the half-mile ones) were the most amazing - we got going really fast (they say it's up to 50 mph) and got this beautiful view of the valley.  It was such a rush!  

Afterward, we went to the Bridge of Flowers in nearby Shelburne Falls, which is exactly what it sounds like: A bridge planted full of flowering plants. It was very pretty and peaceful.  

 

It's back to rainy & chilly. After a couple days of beautiful weather, it's tough to take.  This is little, wet-headed Zoe having a post-walk nap. <3